Advice For How To Get Through Heartbreak For Single Parents, By Single Parents
An inevitable part of life for most single parents, is dealing with heartbreak. The process is hard when a relationship ends and you have to rebuild your life.
You go through all of the emotions of grief, anger, sadness, guilt, shock, denial and then finally acceptance. Even the idea of leaving a ‘traditional family’ behind, and the feelings around stigma that comes with being a single parent, can weigh heavy on our emotions. Don’t get us wrong, we think that single parents are superheroes, it is something that is discussed a lot by single parents. You grieve for the life you had, the parent of your child, that person not being in your life and the memories you had. Which when a relationship ends, your brain does this annoying thing of only remembering the good stuff for a while.
Whether you are mending a broken heart after a relationship break down to the parent of your child or whilst dating as a single parent, most of us will have experienced, or be experiencing, heartbreak. What makes it even tougher for some single parents is having to still coparent with this person who is involved with your heartbreak. Having to see them at handovers, put your heartbreak and feelings aside in order to put your child first is no easy task.
We want you to know:
You aren’t alone
Time is a huge healer
It’s ok to seek and invest in extra help and support
You will come out the other side stronger than ever
We asked SPW members what were their top tips for dealing with heartbreak as a single parent.
“Not broken, my heart is stronger because it beats just for my boy and me. Be free and enjoy your freedom.”
Get A Pet
Whilst we know that a pet is a serious commitment and one that should be well throughout and considered, lots of SPW members agreed that a pet was a good way of getting over heartbreak.
“My dog got me over my broken heart. Got me out walking and never left my side. Also it takes a long time, you just have to be kind to yourself which isn't always easy after being hurt.”
“Getting a pet means that the house doesn’t feel so empty when the kids aren’t here, and it gets you out of the house when they are with the other parent.”
“A dog meant that me and the kids had ‘an extra person’ where the other person that had gone was missing. They are so cuddly and lovely pets. They give you that cuddle, crawl onto your lap and seem to know when you’re sad too.”
Build On Your Friendships And Memories
There is lots to get involved with and believe it or not, some of your greatest memories and friendships will come out of being a single parent. Put yourself out of your comfort zone, attend a workshop, perhaps even arrange an outdoor meet up in your area, or get involved online.
“It really helped putting my anxiety aside and driving down to Canton a Cold December night over 3 years ago and meeting all you lovely people. I know I haven’t met up with anyone for a while but I know you’re still there to support me. And it’s something that is utterly priceless.”
“I’ve gone on holidays with other single parents and built a lovely community of like minded amazing single parent friends around me, that I call my second family.”
“My advice would be to protect yourself in advance by putting the effort in to build up friendships, interests and a job you enjoy. Learn to enjoy spending time alone, read, educate yourself and exercise.”
Do The Work
The average age of a single parent is 38, therefore, you may not feel as confident as you did in your 20s, which is why it’s really important to do the work on yourself, for yourself. Build yourself up slowly and gently, but don’t bury your head in the sand.
“This isn’t how all relationships will be. We will be left with a lot of uncomfortable feelings from this heartbreak, and build emotional things around us so that we don’t feel this pain again. So go see a counsellor, read all the books and make sure that you learn and grow.”
“I started running - I started on 5k then joined a running club and did Snowdon Marathon and in the middle of that the tears flowed with joy and hurt at how far I’d come emotionally and physically. Lots of walks and books to escape reality too.”
Some YouTube videos for heartbreak that were recommended;
(in no particular order)
Russell Brand, Brene Brown, Matthew Hussey, Jay Shetty and Jordan Peterson.
Be Kind To Yourself
Above all else, be kind to yourself with this journey of heartbreak, there are no quick fixes and it will hit you in waves. So do your best to stop ruminating and show yourself the same love and compassion as you do other people.
“You haven't lost half of you. You are and always have been a whole person all by yourself.”
“Cry it out, acknowledge and don’t bury how painful this is all for you. Know that the right friends won’t be sick of hearing about your heartbreak. They want to be there for you.”
“What you are feeling is a form of grief; a loss of someone or an idea of what you thought life would be like. Your feelings are valid, so don’t dismiss or downplay them. Be kind to yourself and take things step by step; one day you WILL feel better, I promise.”
“Take each day as it comes, look for a positive in each day, you'll have ups and downs but if it’s a bad day, tomorrow is always another day. Learn to love you.”
“Getting my hair done and I think I bought quite a few things (although not recommending this as a healthy way) - in particular a burgundy pair of cowboy boots that for some reason at the time I felt I deserved and I felt signified a new me (I’ve yet to wear them anywhere but I like to look at them now and again and stroke them). I think I had a few mad ways but I’m still working through it two years on.”
Listen To Music
Research shows that music can have a positive effect on our mental health. It can help lower and manage stress levels and even release those happy hormones. Plus help us boost our moods. There is nothing better than having a kitchen dance to a song that resonated with us and singing at the top of our lungs.
“A badass Music Playlist.. whether you want to relate to sad, angry or uplifting, there is a song out there for you to cry to, sing to, dance to or to just soothe your soul. Find what you like and what you need.”
“The best song is ‘Yes’ by McAlmont & Butler. It never seems to be very well known as an empowering break up song, but it’s soooooo ace.”
“I listened to Landslide by Fleetwood Mac over and over. It helped me feel like even though I was hurting it was right and I could and would move forward.”
Write A List
Sometimes writing a list is a great way to release some of the anger and frustration that you feel. It may also help you to remember why the relationship ended if it was abusive or controlling. You may even find it useful to write down all the negatives and positives of being a single parent. Writing down the negatives is also important as often you can link one of the positives to the negatives and balance out your feelings. For example; not having anyone to sit down and watch tv with vs having the remote to yourself.
Another great tool is to journal, make a habit of delving into your emotions and thoughts around the heartbreak. It is also great to look back on the progress that you are making and help you to move towards acceptance.
Alternatively, you can write an ‘evidence’ list to counteract the ruminating thoughts, and build up your confidence. You can keep it somewhere so that when your inner critic gets too loud you can read this out, and add to it over time:
Something I did well
A time I supported someone
I time I did something difficult
Someone I was kind to
I know lots about
People that love me
Things I have to look forward to
Something I love about myself
Some of these techniques and tools we explore in our Wellbeing Workshops.
Plan For Your Future
In time, it's really important to get past that survival mode that you feel in the beginning of a break up/ heartbreak and start to see your future as bright and with lots of things planned.
You may want to start with simple planning like upcycling some furniture to give it a new lease of life. Or planning a holiday or trip. Or it could even be getting your finances in order to be able to save for a mortgage.
Lizzy Wood Mind Mapping Coach and Founder of The Practical Strategist says:
Going through heartbreak reminds me of the following quote:
“Learn from the past, visualise the future, be present in the now. Because energy flows where your intention goes.”
Think about where your focus mostly goes, your past, future or present. How can you improve your focus in your present, value more of what you already have and wake with a grateful heart? Because only then will your future start to unfold.
Let us know if you have anything tips that you’d like to add in the comments.
Always reach out for support or to let out how you feel on our FB group, which is a really amazing and supportive group of people. We also have a resources page around Relationships to check out.
Lizzy, The Practical Strategist hosts a Mind Mapping session on the last session of the Wellbeing Workshops, which you can find out about here.