Father’s Day Through The Eyes Of A Single Dad by Russ Storer

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to being a single-dad because each one of us is going through something very different to the next person. As every wave that breaks on the beautiful Welsh coastline is contrasting in size, shape and power so every relationship break-up and the emotions and issues that arise from them are just as contrasting.

What we have to do is learn how to ride each one of those waves and adjust or adapt depending on how gentle or ferocious they are.

My journey as a father has been ongoing for 15 years now however, it wasn’t until more recently that I understood the importance of that role and through my own personal growth and improvement, I’ve come to realise how much my own behaviour and decisions will affect my daughter as she grows into adulthood.

We are the greatest teachers to our children and the more we can do for ourselves the more we will see our offspring grow and blossom in their own life and relationships.

It is important to know that despite the often-painful separation, that you will in fact, given time, have to work more openly and closely with one another if you truly want your child ‘s welfare and wellbeing to be the focus, as we all should do.

Just remember that you are not alone in what you are going through right now, there are many of us who are non-resident parents and only get to see a snippet of the life of our children. Who we were 5, 10 or more years ago isn’t necessarily the person we are today and it’s important to acknowledge that growth within us and to accept that we may have made mistakes in the past.

The following is a tiny piece of my story;

then;

When I first left the family home it was approximately 6 months before I saw my daughter, who was then 6 years old. Even then it was sporadic for the following 6 months and I saw her no more than a handful of times. I chose not to go through a solicitor for access because I was not up to the process either emotionally or financially.

Eventually a more regular routine that my daughter was comfortable with was agreed on and this included weekend sleepovers. The pain I felt when the time eventually came for her to go back to her Mum’s was horrendous. What I thought was going to be elation having spent the day with my daughter turned in to a week of crippling depressive feelings affecting my entire world.

Often her visits would be short but not sweet because I was constantly focusing on the fact that the sofa she was sitting on would soon be empty and I wouldn’t see her again for another fortnight. The laughter that came out of her mouth would be replaced with silence and even the mess she left on the floor from her snacks would be missing.

Rather than enjoying the small amount of time I had with my daughter, those first few years actually turned out much worse than they should have. 

People often say there are three or four large turning points in your lifetime that make you sit up and take stock of where you’re heading.

For me this was when my own father was rushed to hospital with an aortic aneurysm and was very close to no longer being with us.

I began to appreciate the amount of time my father had been in my life, the lessons he had passed on to me and the support he had shown throughout.

It was then I made the decision to do the same for my daughter and, despite very different circumstances, accepted that I had to work on myself first and foremost to make sure I was in a happy and stable place. Only then could I make better choices and decisions for my daughter.

now;

My father is well and still an absolute rock of a man.

The relationship I have with my daughter is great. We see each other at least once a week whether for school pick up and tea or a holiday adventure. A year or so ago she stopped overnight stays but that is ok. I have no expectation of her and if she cancels short notice because she has friends coming round or a family birthday to attend then I’m happy that she will be having fun. I feel that as the adult I’m in a much better position to deal with those emotions than forcing any guilt on her. It really helps to have lots of other things to keep me occupied when she is not with me. It’s not selfish to put yourself first if others can benefit from a happier you.

I know that as my daughter goes through her teenage years and reaches adulthood that she will have to deal with many ups and downs, tests and trials. Although I cannot solve all of her problems I can still be there to listen, advise and encourage her and spending time working on my own emotional intelligence and behaviour will certainly be of benefit to us both.

Looking back, I would obviously do things differently from the start but when our emotions are clouding any judgement and our minds cannot focus it is easy to make wrong and long-lasting decisions in error.

If I was to suggest anything to fathers who are going through similar circumstances then these would be at the top of my list;

• Look after you first because a happier ‘you’ will create a happy environment for your child/children.

• Focus on your children when they are with you and when they are not with you make plans for their next visit whether that’s the next day out, colour of their bedroom, food choices or movies to watch so they are still in your thoughts if not physically with you.

• Learn to be flexible and adaptable as they get older and choose their friends/other side of the family over time spent with you. Let them know they’ll be missed but that you look forward to seeing them again soon.

• Try to stay ‘child focused’ and take 5 minutes to reply to any messages in case your anger or emotions begin to cloud your judgement; your child is not a business but discussing things as though you’re working on a project together is much more productive.

I definitely believe the phrase ‘parental rights’ should be replaced by the phrase ‘parental responsibility’ because despite the difficult circumstances you have a responsibility for both yourself and your child for the rest of your life. You won’t necessarily be there for the first word, the first bike ride or the first missing tooth but if you keep working on that relationship with your child then you may be there for the graduation, the first house, the wedding day and the grandchildren if you’re really lucky.

Have a great Father’s Day one and all!

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