What are Love Languages?
The concept of love languages was created by couples counsellor Dr. Gary Chapman. He had noticed that people differ in what sort of interactions make them feel connected to their partner. In 1997, Dr. Chapman wrote a book with Dr. Ross Campbell about how the five love languages can apply to children as well.
The simplest way to explain love languages is that there are 5 different categories of how we notice and feel that someone is being loving / nurturing towards us.
They are:
Physical Touch; Acts of Service; Words of Affirmation; Gifts; and, Quality Time.
It is unlikely that you will only ever just display and use one love language. They can often be combined as well. What is useful is to realise HOW you show love, so you can notice it in others.
If you show love by acts of service and then someone brings you a surprise cuppa, it makes you feel appreciated; that is the feeling you want to harness in your show of affection to those you care about most. Building an understanding of your own love language and recognising it may be different to your child is a powerful tool for building beautiful strong family bonds and relationships based on unconditional love and understanding that will last a lifetime.
As someone who works with families all the time, it is wonderful when people realise that they and their children have differing love languages. Why? Because it suddenly makes sense to them why their children don’t ‘accept’ their offers of showing care readily in some situations, and it helps them notice when their children have really tried to show their love and as a parent, they haven’t realised quite what it has meant to the child.
The conversation can go wider again, did you ever feel like your parents instinctively ‘got’ a sibling and found it easier to have quality moments together with them? It may well have been that they had the same love language. As always, this applies to relationships without abuse or coercion, as this isn’t about manipulation. It makes sense though doesn’t it? If you have a shared ‘language’ it is natural that it is easier to ‘speak’ to one another on something as intimate as showing care and love. It could also be that you find it easier to connect with one child than another, and this may help you notice how to change that.
On the 5 love languages website there is a quiz for children aged 9 to 12 to find out which one they resonate with. There are also other activities for younger children on the website as well as the quiz for adults:
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
If you don’t want to do a quiz, here is a brief summary of the love languages and what they mean.
Physical Touch
Physical touch can be used as a way of communicating love. Without hugs, kisses, pats on the back, and other physical expressions of love, your love tanks will remain less than full.
Words of Affirmation
Words are powerful in communicating love. Words of affection and endearment, words of praise and encouragement, words that give positive guidance all say, “I care about you”.
Quality Time
Quality time means focussed attention. It is the gift of being present and says, “you are important and I like spending time with you”.
Gifts
The giving and receiving of gifts can be a powerful expression of love. The gifts do not have to cost or be decadent; they represent a 'thinking of you' thought.
Acts of Service
If you are a 'doer' or a 'feeder' chances are your love language is acts of service. The task is almost irrelevant, it's about connecting and showing you care through the actual task.
There is a simple worksheet available to download if you want to explore how you can understand your children’s love language preference, and ways you can express your care and love through their main love language. There are some key times when having ideas to hand of what you can do to facilitate the quickest route to connection with your children are particularly useful:
Transition from contact
Transition for contact
When behaviour feels like it is escalating
For connection time
To help through difficult moments - accidents / loss / friendship difficulties
Restrain collapse after school / childcare
Of course, you don’t need an excuse to do the exercise and pick out lovely ways to make your child feel super duper loved using their love language, use it every day to keep their cup topped up!
Enjoy :-)
Find out more about Rachel from Calm in the Chaos HERE. Or have a look at our Connecting Creatively page to book onto some workshops and practice your love languages as a family.