Practical Support With Nightmares For Children and Young People
It’s really hard dealing with our emotions around being a single parent. And this is the same and amplified for children living in a single parent household, and dealing with living in two households, bereavement, not having two parents around, parental conflict and the list goes on.
We wanted to put some practical and useful advice around how to support children having nightmares, plus we wanted other single parents to know that they aren’t alone with tackling this issue.
Let’s have a look at why we dream and have nightmares.
“Dreams are metaphors for emotionally arousing introspections that are still active at the onset of sleep”
Therefore, it makes sense that a child is having nightmares that might surround being in a single parent household. As a nightmare is a repeated worry that a person has, and trying to make sense of it in their unconscious dreaming world. As they aren’t able to resolve this in their waking life.
Here’s some practical tips for dealing with nightmares as a parent.
Some ideas for when the nightmare has just happened
Remain calm and even if the nightmare is shocking you can reflect on this later
Body language and tone of voice is calm and open
Statements that shows you’re listening “I can see that dream scared you”
Offer safety, a hug, repeating that they are safe
Listen and show understanding
“I’m listening.” Without solution, without agreeing, rationalising or validating.
Offer safety and comfort, support the child to feel secure, even asking what would make you feel safer?
Empathetic/ reflective listening. Repeating back to them in a calm voice so that they know you are listening.
Whatever we feel is ok, and it will pass
When feelings are disallowed thet don’t go away. For example saying, “Witches aren’t real.” We can communicate in a calm and effective way, allowing them to express the nightmare not dismissing the nightmare.
We don’t always have to use big emotions when addressing the nightmare. We could say something like;
“You don’t feel like being in the dark because it feels scary at the moment.”
Support not push
If they don’t want to tell you the whole nightmare then just reassure them with what they do want to say. Maybe even try again in the morning when the nightmare hasn’t just happened, and their level of emotional arousal isn’t high.
Take small steps to independence, if the nightmares are leading to the child wanting to sleep in your bed, then encourage small steps. For example; a parent lies with the child, a parent goes out of the room for 5 minutes and returns, a parent lies next to the bed etc.
Challenge cataphorising
You can open up dialogue around these questions:
Are you sure this is going to happen?
How likely is it to happen?
What would you say to a friend who is worried about this?
How will we deal with this when it happens? As they may feel comforted and need to have a plan in place to gain a sense of control.
Children need support and help developing responses and understanding their emotions.
Older children may have real life fears such as their being trapped in a fire, being kidnapped or a parent or sibling dying. A younger child may have trouble distinguishing between reality and dreams
Ask if they would feel better if they knew what to do if there was an emergency.
Do a fire drill in your house
Teach them how to call a relative or emergency services on your Alexa
Teach them how to access emergency services on your phone, and make sure your emergency contact is up to date.
Talk to them about what would happen if a parent was ill, for example, go to a neighbour
I remember doing this with my son, as we wanted to know what would happen if I died, and when I said his dad would make sure he was looked after, his next question was how would he get to his dad’s? So sometimes the practical approach and empowering them to have a plan helps soothe worries.
Reframe the nightmare
You are strong and resourceful and if the dreaded event happens and they find it tough, then you can help. Explain to them why we dream.
“Things that we worry about in the day that don’t get resolved, get flushed away by our brain through acting out our worries in a dream.”
“Remember in Harry Potter when they do a spell and the spider is on skates, why don’t we try that?”
You are in control of your thoughts and we could think of what ever ending to the dream that you wish.
Use power of their imagination
The great thing about dreams is that you can also use the power of their imagination for an alternate ending to their scary dreams.
Taking control and using their resources. For example, sprinkling magic powder onto the feared creature or growing wings to fly away from the creature into a safe nest.
Helping them to not fear the nightmare.
Use metaphors that they can come up with their own ending to the story.
Nightmare mantras
This is just a thought or feeling in your dream, it isn’t a fact
You are safe
I am here for you
I hear this feels scary right now, it will pass
Night time routine
Here are some simple things to have a think about:
Not too late going to bed, and limiting screen time before bed, at least half an hour before bed is recommended.
In the day being mindful of potential material they are consuming online, films etc.
Look for triggers during the day that may be causing the nightmare or distress. Allowing them to talk about this with you and resolve as best as they can.
You can also try all of these things:
Back massage (I’ve got some feelings how about you.)
Body Scan, helping the child to relax
Talk to a safe person
Seek out a hug
Write it down/ draw a picture
Reframe
Screen free time
Spending time with animals
Worry dolls
Dream catchers
Worry box
Calming object bracelet
Offer small rewards for small steps, like when sleeping in own bed