What Is The Difference Between Co-Parenting and Parallel Parenting? Plus Tips From Single Parents Around CoParenting
Rom coms and other media would have us believe that when a relationship breaks down, or we part ways with someone we’ve had a child with, that you meet for coffee, are best mates or generally run through meadows together.
I’m sure a small percentage of the single parent population do have that, but the vast majority will have been on a rollercoaster to get to the co-parenting relationship they have today. Or they manage to parallel parent or even counter parent.
“There are no two separations the same. Find what works for you all as best you can and be prepared to find peace as opposed to winning each fight.”
Co-Parenting:
Open communication, lots of compromise and letting things go. Often involved in each other’s lives and are able to be friendly and civil in front of the children. Might even ask advice from the co-parent around child issues. Co-parenting is low conflict and issues are usually easily resolved and reconciled. There may also be quite a lot of flexibility and fluidity in shared care. For example: would swap a weekend and facilitates regular phone contact with the other parent when the child isn’t with them, things like FaceTime, photos and message updates.
Parallel Parenting:
This is when parents avoid or try to keep contact to a minimum. Both parents are involved in the children’s lives but not in the other parent’s life. Tends to work well if there is a lot of animosity between parents and it is high conflict, also works when the other parent is narcissistic or abusive. Parents often stick rigidly to shared care rota and won’t ask for parent to cover or ask for a swap due to how high conflict any communication may be.
For lots of single parents it starts off as PP then moves into co-parenting after emotions die down over time. But for many having to deal with a difficult parent may mean that they have to accept the idea that they may always have to parallel parent.
Have a think about your relationship with the other parent, which one are you?
Tips for Co-Parenting:
Set Your Boundaries
“Decide what your boundaries are (in terms of your relationship with the other parent, as well as firm agreements for contact) and set them from the get-go. I made the mistake of allowing the other parent to have everything on their terms and have only recently put my foot down but this has caused difficulties with contact, money etc. I wish I’d put in boundaries for our relationship as co-parents years ago and I imagine things wouldn’t be as difficult as they are now. ”
We need boundaries to make sure that we keep ourselves safe and sane, and to ensure we develop healthy relationships. Boundaries are self care, and compassionate people are boundaried people.
Remember:
We can be kind and compassionate and still have boundaries.
Setting Boundaries takes a lot more work than naming and shaming, and holding onto resentment.
Once we know what our boundaries are and what is important to us, then we can communicate them.
When we don’t set boundaries, we feel used, mistreated and unheard.
Look After Yourself
“A healthy parent both physically and mentally is in a much better place to make good decisions.”
Doing the self development work around your break up and relationship is important to move past the high emotions you may feel towards them. It’s a great move to go see a counsellor to talk through the break up, or how you became a single parent and the difficulties you have co-parenting.
Also having tools and mechanisms in place to be able to process your emotions and not get into draining text/ email exchanges. If you are getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well and getting that important self care into your life, then you will be in a stronger and more resilient place to be able to respond rather than react to situations that might crop up.
Think Of The Long Term
“Parenting is a long game...some of the ‘firsts’ will be missed but try not to focus on the negatives. Enjoy every moment.”
What can be quite painful but very important to remember is that we are not only modelling to our children how to be kind, considerate and decent human beings; we are also teaching them how to be treated themselves. How we deal with difficult people in a non violent way will teach them how to deal with difficult people in their futures. We are teaching them about firm boundaries and how to be respectful but also how to be respected. Remember for lots of us our children will be dealing with the same difficult people. What an amazing tool to be able to give them at such a young age.
Opportunities for modelling:
Handovers, have those mantras ready.
Setting boundaries, helping them set boundaries aswell.
Conversations and difficult questions that your children may have. Maybe you need to take some time to think through a response and get back to them?
Asking positive questions like what was your best bit at your Mums/ Dads?
Communication
“Agree on a form of communication - email/text/call/app, and stick to it, except in an emergency
Decide how/what you both want to be informed of - and send it via agreed method. It takes some of the reaction responses away & you still get info.
For example: Friday email with any details of the week - she bumped her knee at school, will need a plaster after swimming. Please send black coat home, she prefers to wear the pink but school have asked for the black.
Agree what will be at each home/what is expected to be sent/shared.”
Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, and we all have different communication types and styles. Recognising your own preferred way of communicating is the first step in understanding; when someone communicates with you in a way that is unhelpful to you, so that you can translate it, and respond rather than react to what is a negative interaction for you.
Something like Grey Rock is a great practice for communicating with a difficult co parent.