Top Tips For Surviving A Child’s Birthday Party With The Other Parent By Single Parents
There will be a lot of situations in a single parents life that they will have to be in the same room as their ex partner, and one of those reasons may be your child’s birthday party. This can stir up so many emotions and be a highly stressful situation. So we have round up some top tips to consider.
Before the party:
Consider other ways of sharing the day, 50/50 split take it in turns with the eve and morning of a birthday each year.
7/11 breathing, don’t forget you have this available to you before you walk into the party, during and after to ease that anxiety you may be feeling. Just try to breathe out for longer than you breathe in.
Maybe agree before hand about the cost of the party and who will do what. Eg I’ll prep the food this year and you be in charge of drinks. Who brings the cake and candles etc. Who wants to be in charge of sending out invites this year.
In addition to the above, think of any conflict situations beforehand to communicate, who will take home the presents each year, who will tidy up afterwards.
Creating a reactive situation, if you have a new partner then consider what your child will want and whether you consider your ex’s feelings about a new partner being at the party.
Remember why you are doing the party and that is your child. Plus that you are also demonstrating to your child that you can have a child with someone and still have respect for them as the other parent. That you also respect your child’s wishes for the other parent to be at the party.
During the party:
Busy yourself, there’s lots to do at a kids party, making drinks, speaking to other parents, food prep, greeting everyone.
Make sure you have your boundary mantras ready, ‘I don’t want to discuss this here.’ ‘Not in front of the children.’ ‘I need to think about what you’ve said and I’ll respond after the party.’ Phrases that will ensure non violent communication and that you respond rather than react.
Have a safe person there, someone who you can make eye contact with and you’ll feel at ease. That knows about the situation and will be able to empathise and understand how you might be feeling. Maybe even a fellow single parent.
Remember if there was DV or things ended badly between you and the other parent you don’t have to stop and chat. But maybe have some sentences ready that you would feel comfortable saying ‘I’m glad Chloe is having a great time.’ ‘The food went down a treat.’
Don’t feel like you have to stand next to your ex, being in the same room and being civil will be more than enough for your child.
If you still have high emotions about your ex then when these arise bring your attention to the present and how much fun your child will be having. Consider getting involved in the party with them, run around, burn off some of that fight or flight energy that you might be feeling.
A chid’s party isn’t a time to hash out resentment or anger towards your ex.
Try and turn your thoughts to someone or something neutral.
You have the toilet to escape to at anytime to do some deep breathing and remind yourself that you love your child more than you dislike your ex partner.
Keep conversation short and respectful. A basic start could be a nod and smile in their direction.
Have it in your mind that your ex might feel awkward aswell.
Do the 24/48 rule, if something happened at the party that still bothers you in 24 hours then you have 48 hours to address it. Your brain may be in a high arousal state where you aren’t thinking straight so just give yourself some time to respond rather than react to things that are said or done during the party.
After the party:
Be able to debrief afterwards, don’t be afraid to pick up the phone or text your safe person, after the kids are in bed, to say how tough you found that, and for them to offer lots of reassurance and love. Or even post on our closed FB page.
Be kind to yourself, you have survived 100% of difficult situations, and you will this one too. Be proud of yourself for doing the party and what a nice time your child will have had.
Early night/ self care afterwards, make sure you have a well deserved calming cup of tea/ herbal tea, and spend 5 mins with that, smelling it and being mindful how you drink it.
Also consider an early night, sleep is so great for processing difficult situations and resetting. So never underestimate an early or restful eve after a child’s party.
Let us know if in the comments if there is anything else that you would like to add. We welcome blog posts from single parents all over Wales, so let us know if there is an issue that you’d like heard, get in touch!