What it is Really Like for 1 Parent 1 Child Single Parent Families During Lockdown?
We were hearing the voices of 1 parent, 1 child single parent families in SPW. By the way 55 per cent of single parent families have one child, (ONS 2019). So we have put together another blog which documents and shares three very different experiences of lock down as a single parent, with one child. All of them have common themes and a message of hope and resilience for other single parents.
Julie, from Taffs Well, gives an open and honest account of her experience during lockdown:
I'm the only parent, and the initial lockdown absolutely shook me to my core, my mental health was the worst I can remember it's been in over 10 years, my survival instinct meant I completely went into a cocoon trying to only focus on anything directly in front of me, the only people I spoke to for a few weeks were my parents.
“I felt so much pressure to be a mum, a teacher, keep up with my university work, still earn money, stop the house from falling down, and anything else in life, and I really just couldn’t do it all”
I felt so much pressure to be a mum, a teacher, keep up with my university work, still earn money, stop the house from falling down, and anything else in life, and I really just couldn't do it all so I just felt like an absolute failure in every aspect. I no longer had my mum as the 'replacement second parent', I worried about my dad as a key working 70 year old! Who also had his birthday in lockdown, I felt pressure to try and make his day something other than disappointing, but felt so alone in doing so, then my sons birthday followed shortly after in lockdown, again I tried to make it lovely, but felt the pressure and felt like a terrible mum for not doing more, I would go to my room have a cry, then wipe my face and put on the 'everything is ok' act then try to carry on. Every now and then I cracked a little more and gave myself more excuse to call myself a bad mum. But luckily I have the best family and friends, many from this group, who went above and beyond to make the effort for my son and for me. Even when I was unable to do anything in return. Once I started realising that I don't have to do everything, and actually I don't HAVE to do ANYTHING at the moment, except survive, especially whilst I was so unwell.
“Every now and then I cracked a little more and gave myself more excuse to call myself a bad mum. But luckily I have the best family and friends, many from this group, who went above and beyond to make the effort for my son and for me.”
My son had everything he needed, food, a place to sleep, and my unconditional love. So what if I couldn't do everything, I still somehow managed to get him out the house for a walk most days, he still had his evening bath everyday, whilst having crippling anxiety and depression but I hung onto these achievements as if I'd won a medal and slowly started getting myself well again. I'm still not 100% but who is? And reminding myself that we're not just in a national emergency but a world health emergency, allows me to give myself a break and not try do all the things I was doing before. I can catch up in Uni, I don't need to take extra shifts, my son is still learning even if it's not always the traditional academic way, my house won't fall down and I am actually a good mum. It's ok to step back, and when you're ready get back up and take one foot at a time. I absolutely LOVE this community and the people in it.
Julie’s tips to other single parents are:
Stop putting pressure on yourselves, it’s unnecessary. We are already dealing with more than most. Take a step back, and talk to yourself like you would your friends. I wrote a sympathetic letter to myself and it was one of the most difficult things to do, to be able to take my mindset out of that and be kind to myself. I changed my priority focus, and started being accepting and understanding of myself, just like I would be to others. We all need less judgement and more kindness, starting with ourselves.
Her message to the Welsh Government is:
The Welsh Assembly need to consider single parents as a vulnerable group. Most things that coupled families are struggling with will be doubled for single parents. The stress, the responsibility and the finances, it’s all an extra struggle. One of the failings through this pandemic is the lack of mental health support. You should be working with mental health experts in Universities, charities and other organisations to reach people.
It would be great to consider online classes for homeschooling. I’ve struggled to access information for education and can’t keep up the curriculum.
I am studying for a degree, and can’t be furloughed, I have picked up extra shifts where I can, but the free meal support has been a great help. Although, the continuous changes in policy to access it has made it difficult to adjust.
Rebecca from South Wales voices the intensity of a 1 parent 1 child household:
There are plenty of positives of lockdown as a single parent, it’s given us a chance to spend longer days together, we’re no longer rushing around the city from home, school, work, activities and home again. But the intensity of being in a one adult and one child household has brought some strains and taken me some time to reflect and establish some new routines that work for both of us and we’re very grateful for last Friday’s announcement indicating that lockdown in Wales is starting to lift brings some good news and different anxieties with it.
“The first few weeks of lockdown felt like the shock of first becoming single all over again”
At the beginning of lockdown, when we were all full of fear for the unknown and how badly Coronavirus would strike, work made it clear I wasn’t to be furloughed, that hurt and I was really shocked and disappointed. The first few weeks of lockdown felt like the shock of first becoming single all over again. Once again, our world and routines had been shaken upside down and everything was piecing together differently, I wasn’t sure I had the resilience for another storm. We were all grieving the loss of our pre-lockdown routines. My work had taken the decision to only furlough staff who were no longer able to carry out their work outside their home. For those of us able to work from home, we were to do so. It felt like there no acknowledgement of all that I was about to juggle and quite how daunting it all felt – that I was about to take on yet another role at home and keep us both safe, away from Covid-19. I decided to take a day’s annual leave each week so that I could find a way through it all. But, as time has gone on I’m grateful I’ve not been furloughed – it’s not easy juggling it all, but I’ve candidly mentioned to colleagues in my company and beyond that I’m experiencing lockdown as a single parent – and each time I do I feel a little bit prouder of how well we’re doing. Working on the dining table doing school maths at the same time as doing skype work calls puts a new spin on multi- tasking!
Without the commute bookending our days we’re able to get out on our bikes much more together and the weather has been a real boost too. We’re doing much more craft both together and our own projects and that’s been really wonderful as new creations are put up about the house. We’re also baking and cooking more, for some recipes there’s a new confident junior chef emerging and that’s lovely to see, a child gaining new skills and confidence from activities which can’t be offered at school, which will always mean more to me than academic scores. In fact the schooling part has been one of the easier parts of lockdown; my child is contentious and loves to learn. My sole aim in lockdown is to not knock this enthusiasm and however we all land when schools do re-open the professionals at school can pick up where they left off with “real teaching”.
“Pre-lockdown I never really felt alone in my parenting, all of sudden, in lockdown I did. ”
It took a while, but the weekly class zooms are now scheduled and that has really helped seeing teachers and school friends again. What lockdown teaching has made me realise is that the teachers and afterschool club staff gave me encouragement and a parenting boost when we saw them face to face; not having that incidental daily affirmation and reassurance took us both while to adjust to. It’s exhausting being a child’s cheerleader on your own and lockdown just upped that to a new level. Pre-lockdown I never really felt alone in my parenting, all of sudden, in lockdown I did. With no family local to us in South Wales our friends and neighbours have been fantastic – they’ve answered SOS phone calls, provided zoom play dates when I’ve needed to focus on work, social distancing water fights and welcomed us when we’ve called by to say hello from a safe distance. This is great, and really helps both of us, but I know it’s not the same as real life social play and that really breaks my heart that months will go by without her hugging friends, the missed playdates and sleep overs.
“I’m starting to finally really get some confidence from being a single parent and burst with pride for all that my child is doing in this surreal time.”
As a single child I think not having siblings to play with – or bicker with – does mean lockdown is emotionally hard and I’ve had to find new ways to provide support and reassurance. But through it all I think we’ve made some amazing memories and had some great times too. We’re muddling through like everyone and just have to keep focusing on the positives, the things we can do, explaining the things we can’t as best as I can and keep being kind to each other – and ourselves. It really shouldn’t have taken me a global pandemic and lockdown for me to realise it, but I’m starting to finally really get some confidence from being a single parent and burst with pride for all that my child is doing in this surreal time. So much of this is down to the friends and support of SPW which fills the gaps and creates a new supportive family for us all - which might be virtual for now but we hope will return post-lockdown all the stronger.
Rebecca’s tips for other single parents:
We’ve all made it through an unprecedented few months and it’s not been easy, but look at all that you have coped with in this time, juggling new routines, extra roles at home, the happy memories created and the opportunities taken - rather than focusing on what’s been missed and restricted by lockdown. Take time to see which bits of life pre-lockdown you’d like to return to and which bits of our lockdown time you’d like to keep as we settle in to this “new normal”.
Rebecca’s message to the Welsh Government:
More guidance on how school hubs will continue to operate for key workers alongside schools re- opening for all pupils would be helpful.
Rachel from Cardiff talks about finally feeling enough for her son:
I had a very busy life before the lockdown, the usual running to school, rushing to work, taking my 9 year old to activities. Also not so usual was the obsessive way of meeting friends so my son could have a friend to play with, and I could have an adult talk too. We were never alone. I have done this since he was 2 years old. I think I was scared of being on my own with my son, that I wasn't enough.
“I think I was scared of being on my own with my son, that I wasn’t enough.”
Initially when lockdown started I was terrified, how could I not see friends and family? What would we do? Then suddenly about 4 days in my son and I got into a routine. I am furloughed so it was just quality time for us. Which involves homeschooling, playing in the garden, watching Netflix and going on scooters everyday, including me. We scoot to my parents and speak to them through the window. Then in the evening we'd play cards. The life as I knew had gone and I found a better one. Myself and my son enjoyed life alone together, I was enough for him and I will never go back to that rat race again.
On the flip side, I suffer with my mental health so there were low days, especially when Joe was with his dad and I was on my own. I concentrated on Zoom calls and Netflix, and thank god the sun was shining. Before lockdown, I always went out with friends, so I was apprehensive going on my own most of the time, which meant I would not leave the house. My son's dad had a new baby in lockdown too. He wanted to be there all the time so I let him, even though it was very hard for me. But I knew that's what he wanted and I'd respect that, until things calmed down. Now they were a family of four and I felt ‘here's me still on my own.’ Having said that I feel like a proper family for the first time with my son. It actually feels like no one is missing which took me a long time to get used too. My son is so loving, caring and emotionally mature. He is also very funny and we have lovely chats and cuddles. I knew this before, but since lockdown his qualities have shined through and when things get back to normal, yes we will see friends and family, but there will be days on our own and I'll enjoy them.
“I feel like a proper family for the first time with my son. It actually feels like no one is missing which took me a long time to get used too.”
Rachel’s tips for other single parents:
Try to make the most of this time. Enjoy your children. No school or work has meant we spend all our time together and I’ve loved it. Our bond has become stronger.
Also stay connected. Now we can meet up with another household we are now able to feel less isolated. If you suffer with your mental health, it’s so important to stay connected. Talk to your friends, a problem shared it a problem halved.
Rachel’s message to the Welsh Government:
I’m proud to be Welsh. I think mostly they are doing the right think with the ease of lockdown. The only one matter they they missed is that they don’t see single parents as a vulnerable group.
Regarding going back to schools, I am pleased how they have handled it. The fact that they are going back on the 29th June will ease them going back to school in September. I think it’s the right time. But I would like to have more of an idea of what schools have planned so that there is the right balance between keeping the children safe and them still being able to play with their friends. Lots of children will be keen to go back to school to interact with their friends, and so an idea of how we can balance this would be good to know.
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