Why Connection With Our Children Has Become Even More Important And Tips How To Connect By Rachel Brydon Founder Of Calm in The Chaos
The world changed when covid hit and one of the resounding messages we understood clearly from the lockdowns and the restrictions on our lives, was that connection is vital.
I have been in the privileged position of supporting families to connect with one another for years, and was grateful of the opportunity to be part of the planning for Single Parents Wellbeing for a new program of activities - Creativity in Covid.
The feedback was overwhelming that the time spent as a family doing activities together was appreciated and enjoyed. The amazing directors and trustees at Single Parents Wellbeing, took everything we learned and all the feedback from over the period, and put together a successful funding bid to allow the opportunity to continue being creative and to continue connecting with our children, and also all together. Connecting Creatively is the result.
Why is connection such a valuable tool for us parents to use though? And how do we make it really effective?
I’m going to use the emotional cup analogy for this one.
We all have a cup which can be empty, full and anything in between. When the cup is full we feel loved, understood, have a sense of belonging, and are more resilient to what is going on in our lives. When our cup is empty we feel overwhelmed, out of control and generally unable to manage any more emotional load. You may have heard the expression ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’. It’s used lots in parenting circles to explain why self care for us as parents, is vital for us to be able to show up for our children.
What is less often talked about is how children have an emotional cup that needs to be filled as well. A child that has an empty cup is more likely to be acting out or displaying behaviour that is not desirable. They are doing this because they are feeling overwhelmed and that makes them feel unsafe. So many factors impact on how big a cup a child has, and how quickly it drains and fills. Past trauma, family unease, poor health, friendship issues and instability can all impact negatively on the child’s cup. The positive things that fill a child’s cup are friendships, laughter, feeling connected to an adult, opportunities to be themselves, and healthy life choices physically and mentally being available to them.
Some of these things we can’t change - the past; but others we absolutely have the power to impact theirs and our own emotional cup capacity. The brilliant thing about using connection as a way of filling up your child’s emotional cup is that you get the same benefits. Laughter, a sense of belonging and shared experiences all super charge our own cups.
Some tips for when we are trying to do a connecting activity
Make an intention for the purpose to be about enjoying each others company
Put distractions away … for all of you.
Talk about some expectations so the lack of technology choices makes sense in real time
Know the activity you do isn’t important, its the doing it together
Allow your child/ren to have a lot of control - we don’t have to create a perfect piece of art, a fun time together is the aim
Recognise your feelings before and during. If you’re struggling to let go of control or you’re feeling bored, notice it and afterwards reflect on what can be done to either help you with those feelings or to mitigate them for the next activity.
Remember that no amount of time spent connecting is a waste - only managed 2 mins, you did brilliant, hopefully next time it’s 3 mins
The cumulative impact of spending quality time together is a massive factor in both keeping your emotional cups topped up and expanding their capacity. The more you spend quality time the more you feel connected and the time together feels enjoyable whatever you are doing.
Surprisingly, spending focused quality time together doesn’t have to take up a long time. If you only have a few points during the day where you have 5 or 10 mins available, then use them. We can be forgiven for wasting 15 mins on a social media scroll or pottering about not achieving anything.
Have a look at your day / week and see if you can identify time gaps where top up connection time is doable. Five minutes of dancing around the kitchen together singing badly to favourite songs while you wait for the spuds to boil is a great activity. Chatting on a car journey or playing silly I spy games is a wonderful way to spend the journey.
You will know what makes your child smile and you will be able to create little moments to do just that. I am simply suggestion you get intentional with your choices. You may already be doing just that by making a bedtime story a screen free time for yourself and a non negotiable in your home.
What about when you need something more tangible to help reset the connection?
Love Bombing
One of the tools I teach my clients is how to effectively ‘love bomb’ your child. Love bombing is spending dedicated and planned 1:1 time with your child, where they assume most of the control of what is going to happen in the allotted time. Parameters are set before hand of time available, if staying at home or going somewhere, maximum money that can be spent (if any); and naturally the usual safety and autonomy rules apply.
Unfortunately, the term love bombing has also been used in the realm of narcissistic circles to describe the behaviour of a narcissist when they are being amazing. Given that some parents in the group will have experienced this, I’m going to change the term of love bombing to ‘intentional 1:1 time’ for the my explanation.
Intentional 1:1 time
Intentional 1:1 time is connection time on steroids. It helps reset a child’s feeling of love and connection to the caregiver and gives them a chance to control their environment. It also gives you a bank of shared experiences together for loving memories. If you want to know more on how to set up an effective intentional 1:1 arrangement, keep posted for another blog on this. Using the connecting creatively opportunities are a great way of increasing the time together to do a shared task.
The plans for connecting creatively are evolving as we gather more information on the practical information like times to meet and activities to do, but the values of connecting creatively are rock solid of having a space for families to have the opportunity to connect and enjoy time time together on a shared activity.
With the values of Connecting Creatively in mind, here are some ideas of how you can connect without worrying about the ‘show and tell’ of the end result:
Let your child express themselves
Ask questions over statements - “What are your plans?”, “What would you like to do next?”, “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?” are better ways of connecting and understanding your child’s thought process. It really helps them feel heard and seen as well.
Don’t worry about what the other families are doing. Everyone has different personality traits and preferences, don’t judge you or your child against someone else.
Make the environment suitable for the experience. Pop away unneeded mobiles or games consoles, pop some music on you both enjoy and get a drink or snack ready.
Wherever possible find opportunities to laugh together.
We really hope you enjoy the activities that will form the Connecting Creatively project and that it supports you on your parenting journey of making the best memories and filling all your cups to the very top!
Rachel Brydon is Creative Facilitator Lead for Connecting Creatively Project and is also the Founder of Calm in the Chaos.