An Insight into Parenting Apart and Useful Parenting Tips by Louise Hall

On Saturday 28th November we met as a group for the Workshop ‘Parenting Apart’. I shared insights from my personal experience as a single parent for over 5 years and a Play Therapist for the same amount of time. Knowing how we can easily decide any need our child has as being directly linked to our relationship status, I shared some ideas and information about the outcomes of children from separated households and took questions from the group. Thank you all for being so open and bringing so much experience! What follows is a summary for anyone who might not have been able to come along.

So What is Play Therapy?

Play Therapy is a form of children’s counselling. Recognising that children’s natural language is play rather than words, Play Therapists are trained to Masters level and have to have a significant level of specialised experience with children. Most of my experience has been with vulnerable children and families, from work as a family support worker in custody environments, to advocacy work with children who are care-experienced and support work with children who are neurodiverse and non-verbal.

As a therapy, it is the child who is the client and we often tell children this; ‘when you fall and hurt your leg, you might need to see a Doctor. Sometimes our feelings get so jumbled up it means we can’t concentrate in class or at home and so you can see a Play Therapist for those jumbled feelings and thoughts’. Parents would be informed of any safeguarding concerns but other than that, the confidentiality of the sessions is contained with only themes of play being discussed.

Most research suggests that it’s ’a medium to long term intervention, needing a minimum of 12 sessions with a child to get it’s full impact. If there has been significant or multiple traumas then there may need to be a minimum of 6 months work, at least. Sometimes social workers and school can access funding for certain children – not guaranteed but always worth an ask if you have a social worker allocated. We’re able to get an idea of length of therapy the first time we meet with parents for an initial intake meeting before the sessions start. Sessions are around 45-50 minutes depending on age and stage of the child and space available. It’s really powerful that we get to support families for the long term, and often that can span academic years or significant moves.

What are the common themes/areas that emerge from therapy work with children affected by separation?

An important thing to note was how most children are affected more before and during the separation rather than afterwards. Additionally, it is helpful for children to have a positive adult in their life in order to balance out any adverse experiences.

-Low self-esteem
Here we explored how our first relationships set the tone for future relationships but also noted that it’s an internal thing for everyone – meaning change is unlikely to be permanent without an internal desire to receive encouragement. We can do a lot by role modelling how to receive compliments, pursuing our own healthy inner chatter and allowing our children to recognise their own strengths.

-‘Parentification’ of children – a fancy word for saying when children mature/take on more responsibilities than needed for the age they are. Sometimes this can be affected by the way communication happens between parents and it can be worth looking at child development tables if we feel our other parent has a high expectation of what our child can hear, do and say.

-High conflict handovers
We looked at ways handovers can be neutralised and the effects these can have on children and parents. Looking at specific examples and ways to empower our children to understand what is someone else’s choice and not a result of their behaviour. In each situation we looked at child-friendly explanations and considered their perspectives. Amy brought the wonderful term of ‘holding statements’ those things we say when we’re not sure what to say yet, for example- ‘I can see this is really important to you so I’m going to find out some more information and come back to you’ (and how important it is to be true to that and come back!)

Is there anything we can do as parents?

Throughout these themes we looked at playful ways to encourage our children, from messy play to acrostics of our children’s names with encouraging qualities and notes with letter fridge magnets. Making friendship bracelets and salt dough touchstones were also explored to help with separation anxieties before handover.

Another thing we looked at was ‘wish fulfilment’ – joining with our children in their fantasy world to counteract all the times we have to say no! This gives us an insight into our children’s minds and reminds them we can be playful, too 😊

Does my child need therapy and how do I find it if they do?

As therapists we explore and examine whose need it is for therapy. Sometimes adults in the children’s life are so keen to give the child any support that everything is given to a child all at once, when they may not be ready to process what has happened to them. Another thing to consider is if the child’s parents will both be able to be on the same page – either meeting at the same time virtually or being happy to interact with the therapist. If both parents are on birth certificate, consent should be gained from both parents, and both parents are able to communicate with the therapist. If children are free to talk about the therapy, if they wish and initiate, in both houses then the therapy is likely to be less inhibited and perhaps progress made sooner.

If your child is in school, both primary and comprehensive schools in Wales have access to school counsellors thanks to Welsh Assembly. These are often shorter term sessions due to the length of the waiting lists but still effective. Schools may also have Thrive or Emotional Support offered. There are two professional registers for Play Therapy – British Association of Play Therapist and Play Therapy UK. Other Counsellors can be found on Counselling Directory or Psychology Today – please make sure that they are professionally registered with an ethical body and DBS checked and insured.

I am happy for any member of Single Parents Wellbeing to contact me on therapy@vohts.co.uk for therapy enquiries and resource requests or training@vohts.co.uk if you work for an organisation that is keen to support parents and/or learn more about children’s mental health.