What It’s Like To Love And Let Go Of An Alcoholic Partner By Anon SPW Single Parent Member

Anon SPW member gives her honest and heart wrenching account of being with loving, and letting go an Alcoholic partner.

I have lived the life of ‘The Wife of an Alcoholic’ for many years. It’s not a moniker I would have chosen for myself, but it is who I have become. Now, it is an identity I want to shed. I have a mountain to climb to become ‘me’ again. I am rebuilding myself – my mind and body- from the ground up. 

You may be the partner of an alcoholic, or the mother of one, or the father, daughter, son, a close friend. If you have a very close relationship with an alcohol abuser I know you will relate to what I have to say. I hope I can help you understand the nature of and reasons for the destruction of such a relationship. There are blogs, texts, books, websites aplenty for the alcoholic. This information can be extremely helpful for those who love an alcoholic, as understanding their disease will undoubtedly help you in managing the unavoidable rollercoaster you will experience. But your experience is uniquely different from that of your loved one who is carrying the burden of addiction. You are on the outside looking in. You feel the despair and crushing loss of hope with each twist and turn. You experience the incredulity and the pain. Your loved one is lost, yet your life has likely become defined by their problems. You are also lost. 

I want you to know a certain fact; you are not to blame. 

I don’t want to divulge the current status of my relationship with my loved alcoholic. This is because I understand the turbulent mix of feelings where you at once want to sever all ties, whilst not being able to face the pain of walking away from someone you love and who is probably a fundamentally good person. I don’t want you to read this as a beacon of hope that relationships with an alcoholic can always be a happy-ever-after story. Nor do I want to fill you with certain dread that relationships with an alcoholic are doomed for estrangement. What I care about is you and your feeling of self worth- whether you are in a relationship with your alcoholic loved one or not, and whether they are sober or not. In any version of these scenarios, you need to be ok regardless of their illness. 

An alcoholic has the determination of a wingless plane when it comes to their drive to drink. What compels them every day is the urge to access and drink alcohol by whatever means necessary. Sure, it’s an illness. Sure, they have issues that drive the drinking. Sure, they feel tremendous guilt and shame. But it’s not called a family disease for nothing. You experience the effect of second-hand drinking and what you feel is much more complicated. 

You feel anger because despite your best efforts, they still choose the bottle. 

You feel hurt, because they care more about the bottle than the effect it’s having on you. 

You feel let down, because they have promised it will stop but it doesn’t.

You feel rejected, because there is something they want much more than you. 

You feel sadness, because you witness the person you love changing into someone else. 

You feel abandoned, because their priorities are elsewhere. 

For years, I have felt at least one of these emotions at any given time. Often I felt more than one, and at the worst times I felt them all together, in one adrenalin-packed, gut-wrenching body slam. 

It’s no wonder that when you are lurching from one of these feelings to another that you lack clarity. You don’t want this to be happening and you want to believe- you believe it so hard- that it’s not real. Maybe you’re overreacting? Maybe you’ve become a party pooper? No, you’re not, and if it feels wrong it probably is. On top of this, you will feel the wrath of the alcoholic. They will try every trick in the book to convince you you’re wrong. If you are the person closest to them, and the one that tries to come between them and the drink, you are simply the enemy. The anger an alcoholic can throw at you will feel unbearable at times. While you tell yourself that they are sick and they can’t help it (and you’re right), it is pounding and humiliating. For me, it ground me down to a person who doubts their own integrity, who wished they had done things differently and who felt like their very best was just not good enough. The fog is lifting, and I am slowly getting a better perspective on things, but it’s a long recovery for me as much as it is for my alcoholic loved one. 

The best support groups for families living in the dysfunctional and toxic whirlwind of life with an addict will drill one thing into you; you are powerless. It’s not your fault, it’s not happening because of you and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. They’re right. I have known this in theory for a long time, but putting it into practice is much easier said than done. I have pleaded, begged, made sure there is not a drop of alcohol in the house, searched the house, garden, garage, car for the empty bottles and presented them to my loved one, I have cried at them, I have screamed and yelled at them. I have hidden car keys in a pointless attempt to stop late night trips to the shop. I have involved family and friends, hoping their voice might be heard more than mine, taken them to rehab, taken them to rehab again. You name it, I’ve tried it, all the while being told by those who really did know better that I am wasting my precious mental energy. Here’s the thing: you are also told that the only way the addiction can stop is when the alcoholic decides to do it for themselves, and that‘s highly unlikely to be because of anything you say or do. But this goes for you too. Trying to control the habits of an alcoholic can also be seen as a form of addiction. You want them to see sense so much that it’s very very hard to stop trying to help them. As much as the alcoholic needs their personal rock bottom to turn things around, so do you. You need your moment of epiphany where you see for yourself the stark fact of the matter- you are helpless. 

You must know, you must really take it on board, and tell yourself every hour of the day, that it’s not because of you. You are a wonderful, caring, giving soul who just wants to be able to bring them back. You are so strong for sticking at it. You have great tendencies for empathy. You don’t deserve to have these qualities sucked out of you. You must direct these skills into yourself and detach from the burning desire to be the rescuer. Rescue yourself, because being dragged under the water with them is the only other outcome. Love them, support them, encourage them from a distance but always remember that it is their problem. 

With greatest love and respect.

We have a section on our resources page dedicated to addiction, where you can access support and get information HERE.