You’re Not Alone This Christmas, And Tips For Getting Involved- By Rachel Brydon

Christmas!

A time of year when everything from adverts to advent calendars send messages about how we should all be happy and enjoy the time with our families.

In reality Christmas can be fraught for a whole host of reasons. You may have bad memories from childhood; finances may be stretched; you may be on a pattern of co-parenting that means you miss out on special times; or you may not have a support network around you to ease the emotional load; and let's not forget social anxiety. Before I had my son, I associated Christmas as a time of forced fun! I really found the whole festive period more of a fiasco period and preferred to not do all the ‘things’.

When we experience these periods, negative thoughts can build and anything and everything can trigger us. What we do know about the brain is that it notices the negative really quickly and more readily than positive observations. It used to have this skill to keep us alive so we’d notice danger super quickly, but modern day living and the brain haven’t evolved at the same pace, so it can often do us a disservice.

If you’re already feeling overwhelmed, sad or frustrated - your brain will be helping you to notice ‘threats’ more readily too. It’s a thought pattern that it knows and thinks that by doing it, it is keeping you safe.

Here at SPW HQ we know that loneliness plays a big part in our feelings about ourselves, and we also know that Christmas is a time when loneliness can be amplified. If you check out the events calendar you will see that we have a whole host of activities going on.

I wanted to make a special point to invite people who are feeling lonely, overwhelmed or a bit sad, to come to the events. I also want to reassure you that the whole vibe and ethos of SPW is compassion and inclusivity. Let’s be real though, if you’ve never been to an event or an activity it can be daunting walking in and chatting to others. Especially when it can look like everyone knows each other. Your brain at this point will be telling you (in order to try and keep you safe from danger!) that everyone knows each other, and it looks really cliquey and no one is interested in you or in chatting to you, and basically that you should just leave and never come back. While all your emotions are completely valid, that doesn’t mean all your thoughts will be accurate.

Will there be people there who know others well and have formed real friendships? Definitely!

Will there be people there having conversations that you’re not that interested in or about other SPW memories? Probably.

Will there be people there who struggle to start conversations with new people? Almost certainly.

Like you, there will be parents there that have struggled to start to attend events and now that they know someone they are absolutely going to make sure they keep them as a wing(wo)man!! Some people will be so delighted to see someone they went on a trip with in the summer and haven’t seen in person since, and are just desperate to catch up and make use of the opportunity. There will also be people there who appear to know EVERYONE - I may even be the person you see that looks like that. In reality, I don’t. Not well anyway. I do have two massive advantages - I’ve been going to, or leading activities and events for years; and I have a natural disposition to talk hah (I am that person who has random conversations everywhere I go!).

None of this means that you shouldn’t start or that you won’t be very very welcomed.

To reframe it, see what the community has built and how people in the room have really benefited from being a part of it; and know that you can do that too!

If you are worried about coming to your first activity, reach out to me or to any of the other volunteers or staff members. You don’t even have to say you’re worried, just that it’s your first event. I ask everyone new I meet that question anyway, as there genuinely are so many members i’ve not met yet so I never assume how new you are to our wonderful community.

My top tips for coming when you’re new and feeling a bit scared are:

Check in with your thoughts so you know before what gremlins are likely to show up, and have a positive phrase to repeat to yourself i.e. ‘I am welcome to be here’

Focus on your child

If you are one of life’s natural observers, you can get a sense of who would be easy to chat to by noticing what is going on. You can do this while doing the activities with your child.

Make a deal with yourself

With the level of effort you’re comfortable to exert. That may be to smile at one person or it could be to say hi to five; and do it. You’re more likely to have people start a conversation with you if you show you’re open to it.

Not forgetting

Find one person who looks like one of us on the website *note to self, we need to have badges or hats or something!* All of the volunteers and organisers are keenly aware of the effort someone has gone to to attend so we will do our very best to make you feel welcome and for you to know what is going on.

Offer to help!

One final tip, that may not work for everyone but is one I notice I do myself. Offer to help! Sounds counter intuitive, but having a role makes being in some situations a lot easier. This isn’t a covert way of recruiting new volunteers though … honest!!

I am absolutely going to be at creative clubs every Tuesday evening, and most Saturday mornings. I will also be at the Christmas party running an activity. I’m also hosting a Christmas film afternoon on one of those in-betweeny days between Christmas and New Year. If you really don’t want to chat, that one is the one to come to haha

I’m looking forward to meeting lots of new people soon.