Grey Rock Method for Dealing with Toxic People
This grey rock method has been tried and tested by one of our single parent members, who has summarised all the best bits from everything that she has read and put into practice. This amazingly powerful resource is for people dealing with difficult and toxic people and the writer found it invaluable along with the services of Atal y Fro.
It is an unfortunate fact that dealing with manipulative, abusive or toxic people is part of life for many, often over a period of years. It is considered best practice that not responding is the ideal way to manage unwanted attention from such a person. Therefore, No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible. There are some situations however, when No Contact is not possible, as in when you share child custody with a toxic person (Skylar, 2012). Parents can find themselves in a never-ending state of conflict, often about their most precious and vulnerable loved ones – their children, which is incredibly draining, at worse frightening, and bad for their mental health.
What is it?
The Grey Rock method can be highly effective in creating a more peaceful life for yourself, in that it can make a toxic person lose interest in focusing on you. It differs from No Contact in that you do not overtly try to avoid contact with them. This is because it is not always possible or ethical to completely ignore a person with whom you share child custody, especially if the children are young (Smith, 2021). Instead, you allow contact but only give brief, boring responses so that the toxic person must go elsewhere for their supply of conflict and drama. When contact with you is consistently non-stimulating and therefore unsatisfying for the toxic person, their mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than conflict and drama. With time, they will find themself drawn to you less and less often. Grey Rock is a way of training the toxic person to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit (Skylar, 2012).
Try to remember DEEP.
Don’t defend
Don’t explain
Don’t engage
Don’t make it personal
Why is it necessary? – context of toxic personality types
It is essential that you understand the mindset of manipulative, abusive or toxic people. They can be viewed through the lens of addiction. In addition to conflict and drama they may be addicted to power, which can be achieved by gaining access to your emotions. When we react with emotion and argue, explain or placate (Lancer, 2019), we grant them power and feed their addiction. For example, if we express ourselves in a furious way to them, it is as if we give them a highly desirable gift. To an emotionally stable person this seems crazy, but with toxic people, the usual logic does not apply. If we practise detachment and consistently show them no emotions, the toxic person will eventually decide that their toy is broken. It doesn’t squirt emotions when they squeeze it any more! (Skylar, 2012)
Furthermore, if you find yourself dealing with a toxic person it is important to avoid triggering their envy. If this happens they often seek out or manufacture an excuse to create conflict with you. Therefore, you must not draw attention to anything that they will notice and envy (Skylar, 2012). This is explored further in the next section.
How do we do it? –practical ways you can manifest Grey Rock
Your communication style - The most common way to get drawn in to the drama initiated by a toxic person is to react to their bids for conflict. They may do this verbally or in writing, via text, email or social media. They may insult you, accuse you of horrendous actions, lie about you or call you names. It is incredibly hard not to react to them in an outraged way, but this is what you train yourself to do when you use the Grey Rock method. You cannot control the toxic person, you can only control how you react to them. It takes practice and determination because at first your responses can feel robotic and awkward (Dodgson, 2019). Remember: your upset reaction is a beautiful gift to the toxic person. So, you do not even acknowledge their toxic words and/or behaviour in any way. It may help your internal mindset if you visualise them as a toddler throwing a tantrum (Lancer, 2019), or a bumbling, foolish clown (McKenna, 2010). If you must see them in person, you may also find it useful to not have eye contact with them, as this aids an emotional connection, which it is better to avoid (Raypole, 2019).
In addition to your communications with them, you may do some of the following to help you ‘fly under their radar’.
Your appearance – when you know you are going to see them in person, wear plain or drab clothes. Do not make an effort to look your best (Champion, 2018). This goes against the concept which is often held up as a positive in society, that you ‘show your ex you’re doing well without them’. Remember your ultimate goal is to be left alone so that you can live a more peaceful life. You want them to lose interest in you.
Your possessions – perhaps the most obvious example of a possession that may attract the attention of a toxic person is your car. If you have a flashy new car, this can trigger their envy, which in turn causes them to create conflict with you. If you are dealing with an extremely toxic and jealous person who has a negative impact on your life, you might consider sticking with a modest car, at least until the Grey Rock method has worked and the situation has improved (Skylar, 2012).
Your life – again, in order to avoid triggering their envy, avoid telling them about your successes such as your job promotion, the five-star hotel you are staying in on holiday, your wonderful new partner, etc. If they must know something about your work, holidays or partner because it interacts with your shared custody of the children, play these things down. Keep any descriptions brief, and do not enter into answering their questions. You may need to practise this, for example giving vague, non-committal answers such as “I’m not sure…” (Raypole, 2019). Do not give away your power with information or personal opinions they do not have a right to.
You may feel these actions are extreme and that they ‘go against the grain’. If so, ask yourself the questions: Do I want to be left alone? Do I want a more peaceful life? If the answers to these questions is yes, then that is a very good reason to practise Grey Rock, as it has been proven to be successful by many people dealing with toxic people. It may be comforting to know that after the toxic person has completely lost interest in you, you can treat yourself to that super new car or fabulous new hairstyle. These measures are only temporary for getting you closer to that peaceful life you want.
Why is it called Grey Rock?
Grey Rock was chosen because an object was needed for people to channel when they are in an emotionally charged situation. It may help you to visualise that you do not just practise Grey Rock, you become a grey rock. There are grey rocks or pebbles everywhere you go, but they do not tend to attract your attention. It is unlikely that you remember any specific, unremarkable grey rock you see, because they blend in with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a toxic person. Your uninteresting persona will camouflage you, and the toxic person will cease to take notice of you (Skylar, 2012).
It may be helpful for you to also think of rocks as strong and resilient. Due to the way we are trained in society to think of arguing as ‘standing up for yourself’ in a positive way, the Grey Rock technique may on some level make us feel that we have become a ‘doormat’. If you feel like this, remind yourself of the inner strength it takes to set these boundaries (Dodgson, 2019), and appear calm on the outside, even if you are upset. You are doing this as a very conscious strategy to deal with an extremely difficult person. It is being assertive in dealing with the problem head-on, but not in the most obvious way – which is actually rather cunning. You are ‘playing the long game’ by not reacting in the moment and giving them what they want. You have a very clear goal in mind: a more peaceful life.
Potential consequences of Grey Rock
It is important to stay conscious of your aims when practising Grey Rock. On the outside you may appear to be a passive person. So, on the inside you must remain vigilant that you are carrying out a specific strategy with a clear goal. By practising detachment there is some risk of losing connection to your feelings, wants, and needs in other areas of your life (Lancer, 2019). In order to prevent this you may do any of the following;
tell a trusted friend that you are practising Grey Rock with your ex. Arrange with them that you are able to vent/confide in them about it when you are finding the method challenging.
view it as a technique in your toolbox of life skills (Dodgson, 2019). It is not really ‘you’.
adapt the techniques presented here to suit your particular situation. You may find some of them too extreme or unnecessary. You may find that you need to intersperse some Grey Rock techniques with more classic ways of being assertive in order to bolster your self-esteem. For example, you may wish to tell the toxic person you will not engage with/accommodate them if they are acting aggressively. Each relationship is different and may require different approaches.
recognise that if you are tired, overly stressed, or already upset, it will be harder to stay in Grey Rock mode when you come into contact with the abuser (Dodgson, 2019). Be kind to yourself and practise self-care and compassion.
meditation, including body scans.
journaling/brain-dumping.
talk to a therapist.
Sources and further reading:
https://studycorgi.com/blog/the-gray-rock-method/
https://lovefraud.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#keep-in-touch-with-yourself
https://www.purewow.com/wellness/gray-rock-method
https://www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/
https://www.insider.com/how-to-use-gray-rock-method-narcissist-no-contact-2019-6