Setting Boundaries
We need boundaries to make sure that we keep ourselves safe and sane, and to ensure we develop healthy relationships. Boundaries are self care and a resilience tool, and compassionate people are boundaried people. So saying no to going on a night out and staying in to do self care and look after yourself is a boundary.
We can be kind and compassionate and still have boundaries.
Setting Boundaries takes a lot more work than naming and shaming, and holding onto resentment.
Once we know what our boundaries are and what is important to us, then we can communicate them.
When we don’t set boundaries, we feel used, mistreated and unheard.
Causes resentment
When we set a boundary we might feel:
Guilty
Wonder if it makes you a selfish or bad person
Want to take it back
Fear that you might upset the other person
Uncomfortable
Like you’re causing drama
When you are setting a boundary it’s going to feel unnatural and uncomfortable sometime. But the more you practice the more you will get used to setting boundaries. It’s ok to doubt yourself and feel that discomfort, especially if you are/ have identified as a people pleaser. It’s really important to practice advocating for ourselves.
How to set Boundaries:
Let’s firstly look at boundaries and why they are important:
I can say no without feeling guilty
I can change my mind
My time and energy is valuable
I am deserving of respect
You are worthy of honesty and open-ness
It's not unreasonable to speak up and out when you feel compromised or taken for granted
You do not have to appease/ please or fawn even if every nerve in you feels as though that's what's expected of you
You deserve to feel safe within all of your relationships
When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate, or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request. Like a ‘broken record’.
Boundary Mantras
To set a boundary with an angry person:
Remember when someone has lost their temper. When you lose your temper you can’t access the rational brain, so it may be best to revisit, take some deep breaths too."You may not yell at me. If you continue, I'll have to leave the room/ end the call."
“Not in front of children, I will talk about this with you again.”
“No, I need you to stop asking.”
“I’d prefer...does that work for you as well.”
To set a boundary with someone who is critical:
"It's not okay with me that you comment on my parenting. I'd like you to stop."
“We have different opinions and we don’t have to change each others minds. We can agree to disagree”
“I appreciate your concern but I need to figure this one out on my own.”
To buy yourself time when making tough decisions:
"I'll have to think about this as it’s an important decision, and get back to you.
“I’m not ready to talk about this"
“I will respond to your email by x date.”
Thanks for the invitation, let me get back to you.
To back out of a commitment:
"I know I agreed to organise the whole birthday party, but after having a look, I now realise that I won't be able to do it all. Can you help with x,y,z.”
Things you need to remember about boundaries are:
Not having to please everyone doesn’t mean you should try and get into conflict with them.
Boundaries shouldn’t be rigid, they can change as you change or based around the person or situation.
You should be ready to reiterate your boundaries.
You can get across your boundary whilst being polite and in a diplomatic way.
It takes time to assert your boundaries, especially if you’re not used to it.
Your boundaries are yours, and yours alone.
There is a difference between being firm and asserting your boundaries and just being mean.